Manipulation- Part 2
Another way you can identify if you are operating in manipulation is if your love and affirmation is conditional.
Here’s one example of subtle manipulation and conditional affirmation: I overheard a conversation between my husband and son, who was 13 at the time. My husband tells my son “ You wanna be a good son and throw this trash for me?” I interjected and I said “ Even if he says no he is still a good son, because you gave him an option, if you want him to throw the trash just tell him to do it. His value, of being a good son, does not rely on what he does for you. His value as a son never changes.” It’s not an issue for him to do what we ask. He’s valued because he’s our son not for what he can do for us. Now he may forget to do his chores from time to time but that’s part of being a teenager.
It wasn't my husband’s heart to hold the value of my son in his hands. But, the way he posed the request he would have my son to think if he says no to throwing the trash he’s a bad son versus if he says yes then he’s a good son. What will happen in the long run is that my son will grow up to be a people pleaser. His value and worth will depend on what he does for others. If we, my husband and I, are raising a future leader and husband we have to instill in him that he’s valued.
“People who value themselves can say no when asked to do something they don’t want to do”
That may be for moral reasons, because they are not comfortable or they just don’t want to. This is in the context of peer pressure. My son, and our sons as a church body, must be able to lead their families. Weak leadership will equal a negative outcome, such as they marry a manipulative wife as she will run the home, and that is out of God’s alignment. It’s the same for daughters, if you raise a people pleaser then she can fall victim in a relationship with a very dominant man, one that can use his words, authority and wealth over her to make her submissive. Not having confidence in her identity as a daughter will hinder her boundaries and would make her prey to this type of manipulative behavior. None of us want that for our children. We also don't want that for ourselves. Manipulation in this fashion creates roots of insecurity and hinders the identity of the other person.
Self reflection: journal your responses
Reflect on a time someone withheld love or affirmations from you because you did not do what they wanted you to do ?
Did you feel valued ?
Write down the situation in your journal.
Ask the Lord to show the truth, in regards to your value. Keep in mind He loved you so much that He died on the cross for you!
Now it’s time to forgive them.
Here’s a sample prayer of forgiveness:
Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your mercy and grace, thank you that you have forgiven me for much. Now I forgive (say the name of the person who manipulated you) for manipulating me when (tell the Lord the situation). I bless them, I bless their health, I bless their finances, and I bless their families. I no longer hold them accountable for what they did to me, I release them to you. In Jesus name, Amen.
Reflect on a time that you may have knowingly or unknowingly manipulated someone.
What was your motive/situation ?
How is your relationship with that individual, today?
Ask the Lord to show the root of your motive.
Ask the Lord to heal you from that motive.
Here’s a sample prayer of repentance:
Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your mercy and grace. Thank you Father that you never withhold your love and affection from me. Thank you Lord that Your word says that the gifts you give are irrevocable (Romans 11:29). Lord, I confess that I have withheld love and affirmation to control a situation and I ask for your forgiveness. Forgive me for the time I (tell the Lord the situation, if there are multiple say them all Don’t hold anything back) Lord, I repent from having manipulative behavior and I come out of agreement with the spirit of manipulation. I don’t want to operate like this, this isn’t who You are so this isn’t who I am. You created me in Your image and Your likeness and it is my heart's desire to pursue holiness. I bless (say the name/names of those you manipulated) , I bless their health, I bless their finances, and I bless their families. In Jesus name, Amen.